When to Tell Parents What
I got a phone call recently from a youth pastor asking about boundaries between youth workers, students, and parents. In particular, this friend was essentially asking the question, “What should youth workers tell parents, and when?” It’s a good question, and one that doesn’t have a clear answer.
Youth workers serve in student ministry because they want to minister to teenagers and help them grow into spiritual maturity. We want to build disciple-making relationships with students. Eventually, those relationships can lead to honest conversations about difficult, painful, or confusing topics. A student might reveal an abusive relationship, confess their sin, or admit they don’t really believe the gospel.
As youth workers, we have a ministry of mediation. Not between students and God, but between students and their parents. It’s important to cultivate trust and respect with students. It’s also important to do that with parents. Otherwise you’ll hear things about parents and always assume the kids are right, the parents are hiding their dirty laundry, and your heart will be turned away from the parents. This will breed suspicion and contempt, which quickly erode any potential for partnering with parents.
In these conversations with students, the following two categories can help you discern how to proceed.
Abuse or Trauma
When students share about any incident of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse - youth workers should know they are legally considered mandated reporters (this is true in most states, please check your state guidelines). The pastoral response and the “legal” response should dovetail together. As a pastor/shepherd, caring for that student means you will protect him or her from wolves who seek their harm. Do not be harsh or fearful (“we must call the police now!”) as your immediate response. Yes, there is urgency, but respond with a pastoral heart as the motivation behind a quick response (“I’m so sorry this has happened. I care for you so much, it’s important that we make sure you are safe. I will be contacting the authorities, which is also my legal obligation. How can I support you?”).
Unless parents are the abusers, they should be brought into the conversation as soon as reasonably possible, even though they cannot override your status as a mandated reporter. Even if parents ask you not to file a mandated report, do it. I’ve had to do this a few times and it’s been incredibly difficult - but I don’t regret it. The gospel is always on the side of life, and it’s better to report a situation that’s not mandated than to take a wait-and-see approach that you’ll later regret. For example, a student who shares about a suicidal friend. This is not “mandated” since you’re hearing second-hand. But the pastoral response should be to take this seriously - and to act on it.
If you are talking with a student and you are concerned, it is strongly encouraged for you to look them in the eye with compassion and concern and say, “I’m concerned about what you’re saying and feel the need to ask if you’re thinking about hurting yourself.” It’s important to ask this in a straightforward manner that cannot be misunderstood. Do not walk away from the conversation with this question unaddressed. Perhaps the student is crying out for help and wants you to make it easier for them to say, “Yes. I need help!” And if their answer is no, then you’ve expressed to them that you care enough to ask the difficult and awkward questions.
If your church does not have a current Child Protection Policy, you will want to consult your church’s insurance company and ask for their guidance on what should be included. Asking other churches in your area if you could read their policies will also help you develop a system for protecting the minors in your church.
Confessions of Sin
When students confess their sin, there usually is no legally-mandated need to report. This is an area of pastoral concern for their relationship with the Lord. Since parents are called to be the primary disciplers of their children, your desire should be to seek a pathway where the student will engage their parents in the conversation. While you probably don’t need to force that conversation immediately, your goal in ongoing conversations with that student is to proclaim and apply the gospel while staying attentive to an opportunity to encourage a similar confession between the student and their parents.
Consider a student who confesses to having sex with his girlfriend. Your response will obviously be different if they share this news as a boast rather than a confession. It’s important to remember the gospel is always the solution to sin. The student who isn’t convicted by their sin needs to hear and believe the gospel for regeneration. Those who mourn their sin need to be reminded of the grace and mercy that’s already theirs through Jesus. Knowing the student's heart and what type of relationship they have with their parents will significantly shape your counsel. Their parents’ spiritual maturity and anticipated response is also a factor. Pray that the Lord would open up a conversation within the family where sin is confessed, repented of, grace abounds, and parents can support their child in guarding against future temptations.
Final Word on Confidentiality
Early in my ministry, a mentor warned against ever promising confidentiality. Instead, he urged us to tell students, “If you trust me enough to tell me, trust me enough to know if I must tell someone else.” I have usually clarified that I don’t want to tell anyone else, but I will if I really believe it’s necessary, and I’ll let them know before I do. This has usually been very well received over the course of my own ministry. Sure, it can be awkward to interrupt a student who is clearly on the verge of sharing something very personal, but it’s important to be up front with them so everyone’s on the same page and they know you are prepared to take them seriously.
If you use this as an “escape clause” to tell parents everything, or to involve others who don’t truly need to be involved, then you’ll gain a reputation for having loose lips, and students won’t tell you anything. You are not omni-competent. If you never involve anyone else, then you need to honestly ask whether or not you are trying to be Jesus to your students in ways that are actually keeping them away from him. You cannot save and rescue your students.
In all things, our desire is to lead them to Jesus. He is the one who heals and restores our wounded hearts, and he is the one who graciously rescues us from the clutches of sin and death. As you navigate difficult conversations with students, consider James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
