When Parents and Youth Pastors Disagree
This article is part of a series about the youth pastor’s ministry to parents. You can find the rest of the series with the Partnering with Parents tag. For more about family ministry and partnering with parents, listen to our podcast episodes with Anna Meade Harris, Kristen Hatton, Jared Kennedy, and Walt Mueller.
Over the years, I’ve learned that the student pastor’s primary job is to partner with the parents of their local church in the discipleship of teens. The student pastor is not the primary discipler; the parents are. When the student pastor and parents partner together, teens become well-versed in the faith and establish a Christian worldview. Students don’t experience babysitting by the Student Pastor, they are just as much a part of the body of Christ as anyone else.
As beautiful as working with parents is, the student pastor faces his greatest hindrance in this partnership when parents deny their son or daughter’s spiritual condition. When working with parents in this spot, it is common to see their denial manifest in two ways.
First: “My Student is Searching”
I have had the joy of walking with families who have been a part of the local church for years. These are parents who are faithful and genuinely love the Lord. Sadly, I have seen these same parents raise children who do not share their parent’s zeal. They raised their children in the church, enrolled them in Awana and participated in Youth Group, but the teen indulges in worldliness and does not pursue righteousness; and the parents categorize their students as in a “season of searching.”
Many people have questions, and asking them is good, but there is a difference between searching for answers and blatantly choosing sin (1 John 3:6). When parents are in denial about their teen in this category, they not only miss out on opportunities to correct their teen in their sin, but they may very well be giving their teen false assurance of salvation (1 John 3:7-8). When talking with parents in denial about their teen’s spiritual condition, it is essential to graciously show that their teen is not “searching” when they indulge in sin – they are willfully rebelling.
Student pastors and parents may experience tension or conflict because of the divergent viewpoints on the student’s condition. It is essential to constantly evaluate our teens (and ourselves) in comparison with the gospel (2 Cor 13:5). This evaluation isn’t an expression of self-righteousness or legalism; it reflects a desire to walk in step with the gospel. When we see our teens persistently walking in a way counter to the gospel, we have to ask ourselves (and them), “Honestly, are they Christians?” (Eph 4; 5:15-19).
Second: “My Student is Good”
I have had many teens in my youth group who are polite, kind, respectful, and even servant-minded. Parents deserve credit for raising them this way. But do not be mistaken: proper behavior is not the same as a transformed heart.
If parents view their students primarily through behaviorism, they risk raising their teens to value cultural acceptance rather than the gospel. Good behavior does not make anyone righteous. Knowing Jesus does (Gal 2:21). The only thing your student pastor desires is for your teen to know Jesus and make Him known (John 17:3). Of course student pastors desires their teens to be respectful and generally successful in life, but their entire vocation is focused around the singular desire to lead students in the fear of God. This can help parents keep their priorities in check, but it can also create some tension and conflict, too.
What to Do
Before having conversations with parents, I want to encourage every student pastor/leader to have a posture of grace. If I’ve learned anything about being a student pastor, it is that most parents genuinely try to do their best to raise their students well. Assuming parents carelessly allow their students to embrace destructive habits is counter-productive to forming a partnership with parents. Bringing light to a student’s life that may lead parents to have hard conversations with their students. Thus, approaching this topic with grace is needed so that they see you as a resource instead of a match to gasoline.
Are you a parent in denial? Is your teen rebelling with the title of “searching”? Is your teen good before others yet cold before God? Looking at your teen honestly serves you and is most loving as well. It may very well save your teen’s soul. Your teen does not need you to coddle them to hell. They need you to call them to the cross.
If you are a parent of teens at a local church, I want to encourage you to create an open dialogue with your student pastor about your son or daughter’s spiritual health. Go to them and develop a trusting relationship where both parties are honest with each other and on the same page. Know this, too; your student pastor is fallible. They are not God and they do not know your teen better than you do. But they are able to help you see your teen with an emphasis on discipleship that you’d otherwise overlook. Since you both pray for and desire the same thing for your son or daughter, you will both need each other.
Finally, I want to encourage you to read 1 John with your teen. It is short, simple, and to the point. 1 John compares people's gospel profession with actions. Let us not be in denial but step into the light and walk in it – especially regarding how we see our students (Eph 4:15).