Three Biblical Truths About Marriage that Reframe Teen Dating
This article is not intended to convince you of one dating philosophy or another for your home. Every family has their convictions regarding dating – you, as the parent(s), should choose whether your student can date in middle or high school. My aim with this article is to present three biblical truths about marriage and to relate those to teen dating, in order to help parents develop their dating philosophy for their home.
Imagine with me for a moment: Two teens orient their life schedules around one another. They act as if they cannot spend their time apart and can only make decisions after consulting with the other. They are increasingly affectionate towards one another in public, like a married couple. Seldom do you see them apart from each other. How do we view such relationships? Is this healthy?
Consider this: does your teen's dating relationship mirror a married couple's relationship? This is what I refer to in this article as dating-as-marriage. To answer this question, a simple definition of marriage is needed.
Marriage is a covenant union between a man and woman to portray Christ's relationship with his Church. Building upon this definition, there are three biblical truths about marriage that reframe teen dating.
Marriage as Covenant
Covenants in Scripture are extremely important. A covenant typically involves two parties cooperating to establish a relationship with clear conditions and expectations. Both parties' conditions will appropriately be applied based on their commitments and expectations. If either party falls short of their covenant responsibilities, the covenantal relationship will be broken.
For example, Abraham and Abimelech made promises to one another, sealed their promises with an oath, and gave each other gifts that reflected their commitment to one another (Genesis 21:24-32). This was a common way for two parties to formalize an agreement, and it gives us a biblical pattern regarding how oaths and commitments should be understood.
You may think, “Foster is taking dating too seriously or drawing too high of expectations of dating by referring to covenants.” That is exactly the point. God takes covenants seriously in Scripture because they reflect, display, and communicate his relationship with people. If our students (or your children) embrace dating-as-marriage, they condition themselves to have a skewed understanding of the nature of their relationship: it may be more than mere friendship, but it is not a covenant relationship. Indeed, we should not be surprised when a generation who embraces dating-as-marriage sees no value in the covenant of marriage.
Marriage as Union
Marriage is a union between a husband and wife: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Teenagers do not and cannot share that kind of union with their boyfriend or girlfriend. And yet, students who do not understand marriage as an intimate covenant may pursue their dating relationship with covenantal expectations for union and intimacy.
Families vary about when they consider their teens mature enough to hold hands, hug, kiss, etc. And though I have my opinions, parents must talk about these healthy boundaries with their teenagers. Song of Solomon is helpful here because it instructs believers about guarding relational intimacy, but in a way that protects individual desires. The author writes: "I charge you, O daughter of Jerusalem, that you not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" (Song of Songs 8:4). In its context, it seems that the author is conveying the foolishness of impulsive intimacy. It is designed to teach readers that the freedom to express one’s love has a proper context: marriage.
Suppose students are in a dating-as-marriage relationship where emotional intimacy and union are shared. In that case, they will likely feel the rightful tension of wanting to express that love in intimate ways. I say rightfully because unions express themselves intimately. The Song of Songs is beautiful because it portrays how intimacy should be properly enjoyed.
This is another reason it’s important to help teenagers differentiate between dating and marriage. If Christian teenagers want to honor the Lord with their relationships and sexuality (and hopefully they do!) then it’s important for them to guard against premature union (physically, emotionally, spiritually).
Christ and the Church: The Perfect Marriage
Because dating relationships among students often communicate a poor understanding of covenant and union, they set themselves up to experience less joy in marriage and condition themselves for self-serving happiness rather than sacrificial love. Scripture tells God's people that marriage is a portrait of Christ's love for the Church (Ephesians 5:25-33). Christ loved the Church by giving himself up for her, that he may sanctify the Church and present her beautifully (Ephesians 5:25-26). Likewise, husbands have the same function as their wives by submitting their desires for the betterment of their wives. In a marriage union, wives submit to their husband's authority, while husbands submit their servanthood to their wives.
A dating relationship cannot mirror Ephesians 5:25-33 because it isn’t a covenantal union. Of course a dating relationship can be godly and can reflect biblical principles, but it does not fundamentally reflect the intimate union of marriage. Expecting a dating relationship to reflect Christ and the Church sets everyone up for failure because the nature of the relationships are different. It sets the "girlfriend" up to submit to someone who is not her authority. It sets the "boyfriend" up to lay down his servanthood to someone he is not in a covenant with. It sets their peers up to understand what Jesus's love looks like poorly (especially if, and when, there is a break-up). Instead, they should serve and love one another in Christ until the Lord unites them through marriage.
A Better Way
Because students will develop crushes on other students, it is important for them to know how to date and what dating should and shouldn't look like. Here are some guidelines or discussion topics to suggest for parents as they navigate this confusing and challenging topic with their teenager(s).
Invite your students to ask questions about marriage and what they think about marriage. Ask your son/daughter what they think the difference between marriage and dating relationships should look like, and why? Perhaps while watching movies or observing relationships in their lives ask them what qualities they find good or what stands out as distasteful. The goal isn’t to judge other relationships, so guard against that, but seek opportunities to talk about healthy, Christ-honoring relationships.
Make your home a place where your students bring their friends and invite them into your life. Chances are, your students' dating relationships will come from their friend groups. It serves you well to know your son/daughter’s friends. Then, you can talk about what qualities make for a good friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, and eventually a good spouse.
Lastly, encourage your teen not to be "pressured" to date but to invest in intentional friendships. Many students date purely because they want companionship and fall into worldly dating relationships; others can take dating so seriously that they treat it like it’s a betrothal. Show them that appropriate companionship and relationships are offered to them outside of a "dating" relationship. If or when your student dates, with this background, they will know what an intentional friendship is instead of dating-as-marriage.
Regardless of whether you allow dating in your home or are weighing the options about what boundaries to draw, I encourage you not to encourage dating relationships that act as a carnival mirror. Marriage is beautiful and should be protected, celebrated, and looked forward to as a covenantal depiction of Christ's love for us. Do not let your teenagers settle for less.