Pastoring Students Through Church Conflict
This article comes at the request of a reader, who asked us to address how to minister to students in the wake of a church split. Since this is something I haven’t personally experienced, I thought it wisest to address a broader topic that every seasoned pastor knows too well: leadership during a season of tension and conflict in the church.
One of my mentors, Duffy Robbins, said this (or something close to it) to a class of youth workers, “Every church should have a sign out front that says, ‘You can come here. But it’ll hurt.’ What else should we expect when we put a bunch of sinners together who are confessing their sins and trying to live in fellowship together. Of course Christians will hurt each other.” I think this is spot-on. If a bunch of sinners are put into close proximity and told to share life together in ways that are deeper than surface-level, then it shouldn’t be a surprise when pride, jealousy, gossip, and bitterness creep in. Obviously this isn’t “good,” but it is a reality in the church.
Whether the church has a toxic culture that’s being unaddressed, is in active conflict between the members or staff, or is trying to heal after a church split - it will be very difficult to lead a healthy youth ministry. Here are seven reminders and recommendations to keep in mind as you navigate the stress of pastoral leadership during conflict.
The Gospel is Still True
It can be tempting to feel the need to teach a series about whatever topic has people buzzing. There may come a time when this is the right action to take, but the best thing you can prioritize is the message that actually unites every Christian together. The Great Commission lays at the heart of every pastor’s calling - to make disciples through the proclamation of who Jesus is, what Jesus did, and what Jesus taught. In the midst of the pull towards teaching directly on the hot-topic facing your church, make sure you keep the gospel at the heart of your ministry. Don’t allow the subject of your church’s conflict to draw you away from gospel-centered teaching.
Keep your Heart
There are times when ministry can make it easy to foster sin in your own heart and to excuse temptations that you’d normally guard against. Beware of seeking comfort or escape in sinful ways. John Flavel was a Puritan writer, whose book Keeping the Heart: How to Maintain Your Love for God significantly ministered to me during a difficult season. Consider Flavel’s message here, “Suppose that by revenge you might destroy one enemy; yet, by exercising the Christian's temper you might conquer three – your own lust, Satan's temptation, and your enemy's heart.” This book is blessedly short, accessible, and punchy; and it will drive you to the heart of Christ.
Remove the Log From Your Own Eye
Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 7:4-6 is probably the most important truth to keep repeating in your own heart. The message in this passage isn’t “don’t judge… ever!” Instead, it’s a call to honesty and humility. We need to ask the Holy Spirit to make us aware of the sin and hypocrisy within us before we try to help others. Usually, this comes to our attention through friends who love us enough to ask probing questions and to speak hard truths with copious amounts of love. Only then can we truly be helpful to others - including students. Approaching a conflict in the church without embracing Matthew 7:4-6 will lead you to set an example to your students that reflects the way the world deals with conflict, not the way of Christ.
Don’t Throw Shade
Teenagers aren’t stupid or ignorant. They (generally) know what’s going on in the church if there’s conflict, because they overhear their parents talking about it. If you think you’re being clever or subtle by indirectly addressing a difficult topic that your church is facing, some of your students will pick up on what you’re (not) saying. Passive-aggressively criticizing leaders or parents or others in the church is never the best way to make disciples.
Pastor Individuals, Not Only Groups
Our programs and youth group events are an expression of our mission to make disciples. But when we’re faced with church crises, it becomes real easy to lose sight of individuals who need pastoral care. This is probably because we’re so exhausted and stressed that running the essential programs takes all our energy and our bandwidth runs low. With this in mind, keep a prayerful eye open for students who need your attention. As much as you may want to overlook these needs, I have found those one-on-one conversations can be an unexpected blessing because it’s a reminder about why I do what I do. Perhaps the Lord would even use the way you navigate challenging seasons to call unbelieving students to himself? The Lord is still at work - don’t miss it because you’re stressed out because of church conflict.
Get Some Exercise
God made our bodies, and exercise is one of his gifts to us to fight stress. It’s tempting to slump onto the couch and binge-watch Netflix when your mind is full and your heart is burdened. There’s a time for Netflix… but if you aren’t keeping active then you’re not “doing anything” with the physical stress that’s storing up in your body. Hit the gym. Go for a run or walk or bike ride. Do some pushups and basic plyometrics. This may not sound spiritual, but God created your body to process stress through activity. Also, go to bed. You’ll be no good to anyone if you’re constantly tired.
Pray (a lot)
One of the more surprising things I’ve experienced is a spiritual exhaustion that caused me to feel deep guilt over my lack of prayer-life. If this is the case for you and there’s no sign of improvement, please find a trusted pastor-friend, mentor, or counselor who can help you settle your heart and return to spiritual health. Consider buying a journal and writing out your prayers if you find your mind straying while you pray. (If this brings you anxiety about someone “finding” your prayers, then write them out and put them through a paper shredder afterwards - the point is to pray, not to write a spiritual memoir.) Pray for your students as a whole. Pray for your students by name. Pray for their parents, siblings, and other family members (aunts, grandparents, etc) who attend the church. Pray for the other pastors, elders, and church leaders. Pray for the people who are at the heart of the conflict. Pray for yourself, for your spouse and children. Pray for your church’s witness to the membership, and that the Lord would bring about gospel-bought humility, repentance, and restoration.
Pastoring students through church conflict is messy, painful, and exhausting. Guard your heart and keep your eyes on Jesus. You are walking with the Good Shepherd, even if you are walking through the “valley of the shadow of death.” He is with you, protecting you and leading you - even if you don’t see it or feel it. The journey might take a while. But your shepherd is faithful. So, as you lead your students, follow the Shepherd. He is faithful and kind.
