Is “Forgive and Forget” Biblical?
We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all been forgiven. We’ve all needed to be forgiven. But some hurts are simply too difficult to truly forget.
“Forgive and forget” sounds like good advice until you’re the one hearing it. When the offense is personal and the hurt is deep, it seems like you’re being asked to do something impossible. And for the Christian, it makes sense to ask: Is “forgive and forget” actually biblical?
The Foundation: How God Forgave Us
Reconciliation begins with God. The character of God is the starting point for who we are as people created in His image. Because “God is love,” and because “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us,” we know that he is a God of reconciliation.
The Bible teaches that, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23) and “There is no one on earth who is righteous” (Ecclesiastes 7:20). You can say you’re a pretty good person, but the reality is we all stand guilty before a holy God.
Jesus died on the cross in order to forgive our sin and to remove the judgment we earned for ourselves (Romans 6:23). We have been forgiven and washed clean through faith in Jesus Christ, “There is… no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).
Jesus was crucified and nailed to the cross. When he rose from the grave, we know he still had nail holes in his hands. We know this, because Jesus showed them to Thomas when he said he wouldn’t believe Jesus rose unless he saw them and touched them. (John 21:24-29)
Jesus’ “resurrection body” still had scars. He remembered the sin for which he died. He remembered Thomas’ doubt.
Jesus perfectly forgave and remembered.
This is the drive behind our efforts at conflict resolution: to embody and reflect the reconciling-love of God through Jesus Christ: “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:13, ESV).
Forgiveness is Given, Trust is Earned
Social media has led to an entire generation who’s seen their parents’ generation tear each other apart. Everyone hates everyone who isn’t part of “us.” And it seems like there’s no space for genuine forgiveness and reconciliation anymore. We’re cynically waiting for those who let us down to let us down again.
And it’s wise to ask, “How has this shaped the way teenagers think about forgiveness and reconciliation?” God’s children are commanded to do as Christ did: to forgive and reconcile, even if it requires great sacrifice. But how can we can forgive those who hurt us?
Sometimes forgiveness can take a long time to really give, and that’s ok. The deeper the offense, the longer it will take before you can really forgive that person. Don’t rush it. It’s ok to say, “I want to forgive you, and I’m trying to. But I’m just not ready yet, I need more time.”
Forgiveness is given. Trust, however, is earned. Maybe the person simply isn’t trustworthy. If you were foolish enough to trust them, don’t be foolish enough to forgive and forget then trust them again! For the most part, forgiveness means you give someone very small opportunities to regain your trust, but that starts in small things and grows as people show us we can trust them. Someone who wants to rush this process is probably showing they aren’t trustworthy, or they haven’t fully understood the extent of hurt they caused you.
“He who walks with the wise becomes wise. A companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). If you suffered harm because you were hanging out with fools, then forgive them - but don’t start walking with them again!
Reconciliation Takes Two
Reconciliation with God is the foundation for the Christian life. Naturally, this sets the pattern for our human relationships. Jesus says this about reconciliation:
“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison.” (Matthew 5:23-25, ESV)
There are a few things to notice. First, reconciliation is worth pursuing. It’s important enough to leave your offering at the altar in order to take care of relational brokenness. But secondly, he makes it clear that reconciliation requires agreement. It's a two-way road. You can’t be reconciled to someone who doesn’t want to be reconciled to you. If you can’t “come to terms,” then you’ve done all that you can do. This isn’t permission for one effort, then you can wash your hands, and easily blame the other party for the remainder of your life. But it is acknowledgment that reconciliation doesn’t always happen the way we hope.
If someone has wounded you and refuses to acknowledge it, or if there is an apology without a change in attitude or behavior, then you can forgive them, but you simply aren’t reconciled.
When To Create Space
Because we live in a sinful and fallen world, there are times when we should encourage students to forgive while creating space between themselves and the other person. This is simply good pastoral care.
When safety is in danger. If students are in an abusive relationship… get out! If there is abuse in your home, tell someone and get somewhere safe (youth workers are mandated reporters in most states and are legally responsible to contact the authorities within 12 hours). Abusers always apologize and promise it won’t happen again. Remember, trust is earned.
When there is potential for serious consequences. Don’t be a companion of fools and let them bring you harm. Even if you don’t start doing all the same things your friends do, they will still drag you down and the consequences of their foolishness will also fall on you. Is that really who you want to give your time and trust to?
When there is no respect (especially for your faith in Christ). Do your friends take every opportunity to mock you? That’s not what friends should do. If your friends try to provoke you because of your faith, then you will eventually respond harshly. Creating space (rather than “completely avoiding”) will still leave enough room for you to have a godly witness to them… but this requires discernment and clear boundaries.
Pray for Wisdom
Life is really complicated. Relationships are messy. We all need to pray for wisdom and live with a heart commitment towards glorifying God. This is very clear area in real life where the gospel radically transforms our lives. Apart from Christ, it’s so easy and tempting to only surround ourselves with people who are “for” us. But in Christ, we are called to love even our enemies and to love those who persecute us. This requires nuance and careful explanation, otherwise teenagers may believe we are teaching them cheap-forgiveness and how to become a doormat for the rest of their lives. For more on this topic, YPT highly recommends Brad Hambrick’s book, Making Sense of Forgiveness: Moving From Hurt to Hope.
Note: this article is based off a youth group message and is shared to give an example of how a theological understanding of the gospel works its way into our real-world ministry to students. This article also includes an affiliate link that benefits YPT and helps sustain our ministry.
